Product

One platform,
infinite confusion.

Our product suite is so composable you can rearrange the components into any shape you like. None of the shapes do anything. But they look stunning in a slide deck.

01 / Pricing

Plans that scale with your regret.

Choose a plan. Or don't. We can't tell the difference because nobody pays us anyway.

Starter
Free /forever*
For people who want nothing and want it for free.
  • 1 user (just you, alone, forever)
  • 0 API calls per month
  • No support
  • No dashboard
  • No features
  • A sticker (digital, not real)
Get Nothing
Most Regretted
Pro
$999 /mo
For teams who want nothing but want it professionally.
  • Up to 5 users (Dave + 4 imaginary friends)
  • 1,000 API calls/month**
  • Email support (we read it, sometimes)
  • Dashboard that loads eventually
  • 2 features (both are bugs we rebranded)
  • A PDF that says "Welcome" on it
Waste Money →
Enterprise
Let's Talk***
For organizations that want nothing at the highest possible cost.
  • Unlimited users (nobody uses it)
  • Unlimited API calls****
  • Dedicated account manager (Dave)
  • Custom nothing (tailored to your needs)
  • SLA: we'll try our best (we won't)
  • SOC2 report (it's a sticky note)
  • A tote bag (this one is actually real)
Contact Sales
* "Free" means we collect your data and sell it to ourselves.
** Each call must complete within 72 business days.
*** "Let's talk" means we talk, you pay, nothing happens.
**** "Unlimited" means up to 7. We round down.
02 / Deep Dive

Under the non-existent hood.

Technical details that sound impressive until you realize they mean nothing.

API

RESTful GraphQL API

It's REST. It's GraphQL. It's both. It's neither. We're not sure. The endpoints return JSON except when they return XML (Tuesdays). Documentation exists but was written by an intern in 2019 who has since entered witness protection.

99% latency
SSH

Enterprise SSO Integration

We support SAML, OAuth, OIDC, and "just email us your password." The SSO flow redirects through 14 intermediate domains, 3 of which are parked. After login, you're back where you started but with a cookie. The cookie expires in 4 minutes.

SAML-ish
DB

Multi-Region Database

Our database replicates across 3 regions: us-east-1, us-east-1a, and Dave's laptop. Consistency model: "eventually, probably, if the WiFi is good." Write conflicts are resolved by rock-paper-scissors. Read replicas are 47 versions behind. It's fine.

CAP: pick none
CI

Zero-Downtime Deploys

We deploy on Fridays at 5pm because we're rebels. The deploy pipeline has 47 steps, 46 of which are "wait." The last step is "pray." Downtime is not zero but our monitoring is broken so it technically reads as zero. QED.

yo deployments

Still interested?

We admire your persistence. Or your poor judgment. Both are valid.

Talk to Dave → Read Our Empty Blog